Free Time

I've only been out of school for 16 days and I'm already getting bored with all of my free time. I keep telling myself, "Use this time to write. Work on your fiction writing or send out some devotions for publication," but instead I get on the computer, click on Plants Vs. Zombies, and waste hours of my life. I need to write more and I'm hoping to use this blog to just get myself in the habit of that. Some of my most fulfilling moments are when I write something I'm actually proud of calling my own. But how can I do that if I don't actually WRITE? Ah, good questions...actually, they're pretty basic ones, but still good to ask.
I also want to read more. I'm in the middle of Dracula and it's amazing, but for some reason, it's taking me forever to get through. I don't know why I waste so much time when I can use it for reading, writing, or just something generally edifying. Basically, I want to enhance my creativity and ability to express myself through writing. It's hard, though, when I have no overall "message" that I feel I need to convey.
But I'll try to at least start the creative renewal process. Mostly, I think it will just be trying to write more than just in my journal every day.

May Already?

I've been debating about a lot of things lately...mostly regarding how I'm spending my time and money. Am I working at the right jobs? Am I living where I should be? Do I waste too much time where I could be writing more or planning ahead? Even though I know I'm doing a lot it still feels as if I'm wasting time. I want to do a lot with my life, but rarely feel like I know what I should be doing.
I think the problem is that I'm always anxious that something will go wrong, that I'll somehow mess up. I just never know if I'm making the right decisions. And even when I do make the right decisions, I worry that things will still go wrong anyway. I guess I really just need to trust God more. A lot of my anxiety stems from my lack of trust, I think. Because, really, if I can trust that God loves me and will provide for me, I just need to follow Him and all will fall into place. What's weird is that my head knows that I can put my trust in Him, but my heart doesn't feel it.
But I'll keep praying for God to help me make my decisions because, surely, these won't be the last of them!

A Day in February

I've been thinking a lot about what makes a life worthwhile. I think I've been struggling with this idea for several years, actually. I know; our worth isn't supposed to depend on our works, but really, wouldn't that make sense? Would someone who is dedicating their life to, say, building schools in poor and neglected neighborhoods have a more worthwhile life than someone who sits all day in their living room, watching "Family Guy"? And, really, there's all kinds of ways that we can do "worthwhile" things, but then I start to wonder, "which is the MOST worthwhile?" Basically, what sets apart my life from the billions of other lives existing around me?
Obviously, there's no real answer. I just never feel like I'm quite doing enough. Maybe my attitude's not in the right place; maybe I do too much and miss out on the reason behind it all; or maybe I just like confusing myself. All seem plausible right now. I really just don't want to be stagnant, working towards some idea of a "worthy" life and finding out that it's all just been without a point. And, really, I like where I am in life; I just feel too rooted and, somehow, inactive. Maybe I've just been in Fort Wayne too long. That could very well be the problem.